Boundaries: You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup

My dad used to say, “When she needs her space, she needs her space.”

He understood something about me before I did. As a child, I spent hours in my room, curled up by the window, cat tucked in close. It wasn’t hiding. It was surviving.

I’m an introvert and a highly sensitive person. After long weeks full of meetings, noise, and constant demands, I still need space to recalibrate. Not just on weekends, but in the rhythm of every day.

Those early mornings on the porch, watching the sunrise. The quiet minutes before and after meetings to plan, process, and reflect. The weekends I spend in stillness to rest and reset.

For years, I felt guilty for needing that space. I pushed through. Said yes when everything in me screamed no. Showed up exhausted, resentful, and half-present.
I thought boundaries would push people away.

I was wrong.
Boundaries don’t prevent connection. They create space for it.

The Truth About Self-Care

Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: boundaries are self-care in action. They protect our energy and preserve our ability to give from a full cup.

We can’t burn true if we’re burned out.

Think of airplane safety instructions: put your own oxygen mask on first. It’s not selfish. It’s survival. The same is true with your time, energy, and emotional bandwidth.

And here’s the part no one talks about: disappointing yourself hurts far more than disappointing others.

Every time I said yes to maintain harmony, I abandoned myself a little. I ignored my limits. Resentment crept in. Authenticity disappeared.
I thought I was maintaining connection, but I was actually losing it.

The Wheel: A Simple Framework

In my book Wheels to Wellbeing, I use a bicycle wheel as a metaphor for boundaries.

Think of the inner hub as your center: small, strong, and sacred. This is where your best energy belongs: your faith, your spouse, your children, those truly dependent on you.

The outer rim is larger. It includes friends, extended family, colleagues, community. Important connections that don’t require your daily best.

This structure isn’t fixed. When life is smooth, your hub can expand. But in times of crisis, burnout, or overwhelm, everything contracts to essentials.

If you’re not careful, people who belong on the outer rim can slip into your inner hub, using up time and energy meant for what matters most.
And sometimes, someone who belongs close drifts too far away. With awareness and intention, you can realign your wheel.

Boundaries help you stay balanced and whole, allowing you to move through life with strength, not strain.

When Friends Understand

In the past, some friends thought I was hiding when I disappeared. Others would chase me down and pull me back in.

But my inner hub or circle gets it. They don’t think I’m hiding. They know I’m recalibrating.

Do I sometimes miss out on the fun? Sure. The happy hour, the spontaneous gathering.
But I’m honoring my ebb and flow.

That shift in language from “she’s hiding” to “she’s recalibrating” is the power of being known and respected. Boundaries invite that kind of understanding.

What Boundaries Actually Look Like

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no; they’re about managing your whole ecosystem.

• Emotional boundaries: Don’t take on other people’s burdens. I once told a friend who’d vented about the same issue for ten years, “You can vent for ten minutes, then we talk about something else. And tell me something positive first.”
• Time boundaries: Lunch breaks are non-negotiable. Work doesn’t belong at 2 a.m. Your calendar is a tool for protection, not punishment.
• Energy boundaries: Notice what (and who) fuels you versus drains you. Ask:
  • What 20% of my tasks bring 80% of my value?
  • Where am I out of alignment?

Healthy boundaries need both firm limits and flexible grace. Both are essential for balance.

From People-Pleaser to Truth-Teller

You are worthy because you are human. You are a human being, not a human doing.

The shift from people-pleaser to truth-teller starts with small language changes:

Instead of: “I’m sorry, I just can’t take on that project right now.”
Try: “I appreciate the opportunity, but I’m currently at capacity.”

No over-explaining. No apologizing for having needs.

Other simple scripts:

• “I’m at capacity right now. Can we revisit this next week?”
• “That’s outside my lane.”
• “I have three minutes. How can I help?”

Practice these before you need them. Clarity, calmness, and confidence will follow.

What I Want You to Know

Boundaries aren’t barriers. They’re bridges to better connection, energy, and truth.

When you set them, you might disappoint others. But when you don’t, you disappoint yourself.

Honoring your limits is how you show up whole for yourself, for your people, for your purpose.

You can’t burn true if you’re burned out.
And you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Your Turn

Draw two circles, one small (your inner hub), one large (your outer rim).

In your inner hub: Who are the 3–5 people or priorities that deserve your best energy right now?
In your outer rim: Who matters, but doesn’t need your daily best?

Is anyone misplaced? What one boundary could bring you back into alignment this week?

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about honoring what’s true for you and sometimes, loving people enough to close the door so you can open it again, fully present and whole.

©2025 Lori Ann King